I made some music and created an animated video to go with it. It’s a vision, a dream, something I blurted out that I felt was important to turn into something I could realize and forget at the same time. That’s what this blog is supposed to be about anyway.
The Woodcutter and The Hammer
There’s a problem with me. I don’t know how to fix it. To draw is to survive. When it serves any other purpose, I turn into an ear at the door, scared, my calves tense, ready to flee in case they open the door. And I know very well that’s no way to live.
But the thing is…today’s problems go away tomorrow. It burns through the night like firewood that turns to ash by daybreak. This means I should finish drawing before daybreak – before my reason to draw turns to ash and I’m drawing not to get through the day but for other reasons that fail to stand up against questions that don’t even matter. Questions such as: What will they think? Won’t they think I’m weird? Isn’t it a bit too disturbing?
It really doesn’t matter! You know why? Because you’re still reading. Ha! And that’s all that matters at the end of the day. That you recognize enough human in me to say whatever you say: “different”, “weird”, “nutcase”.
I’d have loved to wait another day before putting out the artwork. But I’m still a fucked up coward who needs to hide behind the alarm that jolts me to action when I feel like I’m going to die. It is only in the shadow of my doom that I can speak what I mean. How…
So all you get is something I’m not proud of. But that doesn’t matter either. Because you’re still reading. And once again…that is enough. For today.
Oh, also, the artwork is about a woodcutter (father figure in children’s stories, rescuer of people in the forest, an amphibian like Mowgli the Frog who lives both in the forest and in houses). It is what I aspire to be – like the children of Narnia whose cupboard opens into a forest. What I intend to do is conquer and return home of my own accord – to be the prince of the forest and yet give it all up for what we call “society”. How do I live in the forest during the day and come back home at night? How do I learn to dig deep into myself, find hidden treasures, and return with resolve to a place like the world we all share? ( for it is a very greedy world where gold kills people)
What I need is an axe. But I feel like I’ve taken up the hammer instead. And that is getting me nowhere. I am stuck.
A Wild World
Doesn’t mean anything. Just learning how to see like a child.
About how it sucks that I have to turn everything I see into words that I’m really bad at putting together.
Animation: Introverts Go Around With Their Rooms
Falling in love with an introvert
In the summer of 2019, I fell in love with an introvert. She took her room with her everywhere she went.
Blood becomes glue
I don’t ever want to touch again without bleeding. It should never have been this easy to do. To feel, to be felt. I’ll chop my limbs off before I see myself naked again. Weave me into a cloth or leave me numb.
Period. Beirut on ledge. skin. blood. bends. alone. lies. touch empty. air. air. air. pant. cough. cough. pant. air. air. air. air. air. stop. NO. STOP. air. aiR. aIR. AIR. a g a i n. cough cough pant. air air air air air.
What if they cook me?
The entire house was open to me, laid bare and naked. Except for the kitchen. The kitchen was dangerous. It had gas cylinders, knives, and hot pans. Entering it during the day, when my parents were at work, was like entering a tomb. The dry sink, the shut cabinets and closed lids, the black iron of the stove like a fire-breathing dragon asleep after a hearty meal, it all seemed…dead. But it was a living death – more like sleep.
I would wander into the kitchen in the evenings and watch my mom run around the kitchen trying to make food for all of us. I had been there hours before and the tiles had stared back at me. The squares had heaved like the chest of a sleeping monster. And here she was, moving, unaware of it quiet and submissive under her swift feet.
I would look on, from the threshold. My entry into this world of fire and sweat was only possible if she acknowledged me – only if I had the right things to say, the right things to ask. The kitchen is off-limits. To distract her would be criminal, to interact disastrous. My father would come and leave. He did not need her to be a part of this space that breathed like a boxer after 10 rounds. He was an adult.
Walking in, proceeding with caution, my arms and legs telling her that I knew that I must enter this space with great care, I was like Lazarus coming out of the tomb wrapped in cloth – slow, scared, and bound at the mouth of a tomb. I was screaming to be reborn, to become what my parents were. I ask her something in my best voice, I put my choice warrior to task. I find the rhythm of the kitchen in the sound of the metal hitting the cast iron pan. My words fit right into the spaces. They cut through the mix the way incisors cut into cheese and cake.
But she ignores me
In that moment, I am in the void. Lost, in a space where I do not belong. The chimney is old, struggling to swallow the heat. The fires blaze and I bake next to the stove. I can’t scream. I become lifeless like vegetables before they are washed. I become meat prepped for the grill. I become food.
What if I can’t leave the kitchen? What if the door is shut?
What if I can’t run away like I always do?
Am I to bake in this heat?
I need to grow. Faster.
I need to be able to go in and out as I please.
Panicking, I grab an apron. I extend my limbs, stretch out the straps and cry out – “I am not a child. Please don’t cook me”
Please don’t cook me
Last year, in a post a lot of you liked, I talked about why I like to wear baggy clothes:
Well, this post will make them stand for something scary and depressing [OMG I hate writing so much. I’m so bad with words I don’t even know why I still use them to say things. But the drawings are way too weird and personal to stand on their own. *sigh*]
Sure, wearing clothes twice my size helps me hide while also reminding myself how hard it so to like be a kid with other kids. But all that’s different now. I have friends…(I guess?)
I am at the precipice, at the edge of the cliff, so to say- the catcher in the rye catching himself with nothing but the wind that blows through the rye. It is all me. Nothing more, nothing less.
The apron has a long (stretchy-looking) strap that you can really push out with your tiny limbs. Which makes it incredibly appropriate for my purposes.
The fact that it is found in the kitchen and used right next to the hellfire that burns in space blue is just a happy coincidence.
The kitchen is the most dangreous place in the house. Knives and fire. You can really do some dumb stuff in there lol. HAHA
I just thought it would be cool to bring together the idea of BIG clothes, which I’ve already talked about, with the danger of the kitchen, of being ignored by the adult cooking- THE adult; the space between you and grown-ups so clear and hot. How um…mythical
No more ooh it’s an expression of my lack of belonginess and loneliness and reminder of heroes. Big clothes will from now on be like the apron. And I shall push against the strap and point to the sky.
It HAS to fit. I HAVE to move on. I need to grow up? No. I just need to grow. I can dissipate also. That’s alright. I just need to stretch enough to fill the apron.
I shall not bake in this heat.
Patti Smith’s Hands
Patti Smith has beautiful hands and I am a brown spongecake