Please don’t cook me

original artwork

Last year, in a post a lot of you liked, I talked about why I like to wear baggy clothes:

Well, this post will make them stand for something scary and depressing [OMG I hate writing so much. I’m so bad with words I don’t even know why I still use them to say things. But the drawings are way too weird and personal to stand on their own. *sigh*]

Sure, wearing clothes twice my size helps me hide while also reminding myself how hard it so to like be a kid with other kids. But all that’s different now. I have friends…(I guess?)

I am at the precipice, at the edge of the cliff, so to say- the catcher in the rye catching himself with nothing but the wind that blows through the rye. It is all me. Nothing more, nothing less.

The apron has a long (stretchy-looking) strap that you can really push out with your tiny limbs. Which makes it incredibly appropriate for my purposes.

The fact that it is found in the kitchen and used right next to the hellfire that burns in space blue is just a happy coincidence.

The kitchen is the most dangreous place in the house. Knives and fire. You can really do some dumb stuff in there lol. HAHA

I just thought it would be cool to bring together the idea of BIG clothes, which I’ve already talked about, with the danger of the kitchen, of being ignored by the adult cooking- THE adult; the space between you and grown-ups so clear and hot. How um…mythical

No more ooh it’s an expression of my lack of belonginess and loneliness and reminder of heroes. Big clothes will from now on be like the apron. And I shall push against the strap and point to the sky.

It HAS to fit. I HAVE to move on. I need to grow up? No. I just need to grow. I can dissipate also. That’s alright. I just need to stretch enough to fill the apron.

I shall not bake in this heat.

For those who gave and never heard back

As I write this, I have reached a point where I am ready to embrace death. I don’t think there is much left for me on this journey. There is not much I can offer this world as it truly does not understand me. I’m grateful to be healthy, have basic necessities. But that is where my love for life ends. My admiration for it will continue as it is fed by my imagination. However, this admiration I find to be of little use to others. It is created out of necessity and as such will always serve the purpose of keeping me alive but that is where its role ends. When I go, it dies with me. I always knew that my deep fear of the loss potential was just another stop on the road to utter hopelessness and belief that I truly don’t matter. What I yearn for and will continue to do so till my last breath is someone who will both understand me and encourage me. In all my life I have only come across people who are capable of one those things. And that does more harm than good. The belief in a God filled this hole for some time till it didn’t. I resist the urge to jump off a building because I love my mother, who is perhaps the only person I love. I’ve never cared much for the rest of the world. I am interested in people, I am intrigued by life, but I don’t love much. I’ve faked tears at many funerals not because I love people but because I believe some deserve tears. I hope that in this confusing in-between place where to cure loneliness feels like an inappropriate reaction, I’ll find my eternal rest in a way that doesn’t burden the ones who have given gifts that were never received.

Yours,

Hey Reader!

From when I started this blog, the wonderful people here at WordPress have been extremely supportive. I’ve always loved writing and here, I’ve found great joy, thanks to you. I am starting a new testimonials page. If you can, do tell me why you like my blog. Has is helped you in any way? Do you enjoy reading my posts? I hope that in the coming years, I’ll reach more and more people and bring some laughter, perspective and joy to their lives. Here’s the link to the page: https://thefourthdimensionoflife.wordpress.com/testimonials/

I hope to see you there!

Never Cliché

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Dear …………………………,

I saw a great movie today. A beautiful one.

The sun’s almost down here. The birds are all returning to their modest abodes. If every day was a movie, then this would be a very cliché ending. But yet this is beautiful. Every day is filled with ephemeral clichés that we seem to enjoy with a satisfaction that makes no sense at all. Stefan, haven’t you gotten tired of seeing the sunset, the flying birds, and the full moon? You’ve been loitering on this earth for 18 years. But no, you still enjoy them. They still make sense to you.

The movie I saw today ended with a cliché. And yes, I would have liked it to surprise me, but it didn’t. But yet, it was beautiful, full of meaning. Today, films are trying to survive. Everything is becoming cliché. Around a lakh movies are made every year. New clichés are made every day. Playwrights and directors are rocking their brains left and right to find something new.

Why do I never stop loving a good sunrise? Why do I never get bored with nature?

Is it the acceptance of my unawareness of many of the delicate details I have yet to see? Maybe.

I have a feeling that a cliché becomes annoying only when you are aware of a better possibility. If this is indeed true, then it is the limitations of my imagination that makes me fall in love over and over again with nature, love, beauty and another human being.

And that, I find extremely beautiful. In a world that keeps changing in time, I find it comforting to think that my sheer oblivion to an alternative for many things and my sheer inability to form one, makes what is there everlasting and beautiful.

God, you have indeed painted your glory in the skies and in the most minute vestiges of nature. I can’t find anything to replace it.

Yours,

Stefan

 

 

 

A great quote

Hey guys,

Just wanted to drop in and share with you a great quote I just read over at the blog of one of my dear friends, Stuart L. Tutt. It just brightened up my day 🙂

‘You will also realize that despite the fact you can’t find pants that actually fit you, your body size is perfect. It is exactly that way God designed you to be. You will eventually come to terms with it.’ – Stuart L. Tutt

Go check out his blog at https://stubaby777.wordpress.com/

I’m sure you’ll be inspired. God bless you all! 🙂

A Word On Why Your Words Matter

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Dear……..……….

It’s me again. Today I had a really long class. I was so tired after that, that I just walked back to my room and dropped on my bed. After food today, I felt like going out. The night was so young and beautiful. I decided to sit down for some cold lemon tea. I took the longer road this time to get to the tea stall. It’s always nice to take the longer road. You get to say hi to some people and make some small talk. Leaves a smile on your face by the time you reach your destination. I decided to go through some great posts. And I was sitting there reading, sipping my tea, I thought of how much the WordPress community meant to me. It’s such a joy to come here and be encouraged. Over the past two years, I’ve made friends like you who are so good at building people up. And that’s what keeps me hooked. I am still growing.

As human beings, we are constantly looking for affirmation from the other. Every single moment of our lives, we are looking for a smile, a wave, a nod, anything that makes us people worth something. What’s behind our hunger for attention and affirmation?

I looked around. I was halfway down my tea. I tend to do that a lot. I eat and drink faster when I am thinking. I could see the football ground from where I was sitting. Some students were kicking a ball around, getting ready for a match. I turned back to my tea. I’ve heard some people say that our thirst for approval has a lot to do with our need to survive. We want proof that we are relevant. That we are still in the game, still part of the society. I guess that’s one way of looking at it.

But then there is also the possible connection of external affirmation with the approval you give yourself. In this sense, everyone you see, is a mirror. A mirror you look into to evaluate yourself. You see someone and you immediately compare them with yourself. The standards here are usually set by society. They are in a way, universal. You see a bad character in someone and you immediately search for that character in yourself. The disgust you feel towards that character is something you do not want to be associated with. So you scrummage through your past, you comb through your present and you make laws for the future. You see a good quality and you do the same. In this evaluation, you create multiple pictures of yourself that are different. It’s a process that goes on. You are in effect, constantly updating yourself on who you are.

I know I’m boring you. But here’s the point- affirmation does matter.

It is connected with something that is so sensitive- a person’s idea of who he is.

We as human beings, should be aware of this fact. A hurtful word that you can avoid, must be avoided. A smile and a wave never hurt anyone. Of course. there are times when you will have to correct a friend. Correction when done with care, brings about respect and trust.

Teasing and making fun of somebody can seem very harmless, especially when among friends. But essentially when you go down to it, the person at the receiving end feels irrelevant, insignificant and lonely. The Bible has a verse that talks about how with the same tongue you praise God, you curse men, who were made in His likeness. We both need to work on our words, me and you.

So let’s lift people up rather than bring them down. Let’s smile and wave whenever we can and let us be the someone who always has a spare shoulder for others to cry on.

Here at WordPress, I’ve always felt love and encouragement from everyone. That’s what makes it special for me. You keep coming back here, taking your precious time and using it to read what I write. And for that I adore you. So thank you.

I would love to hear from you.

What makes WordPress special for you? Please comment. And thank you once again for reading!

God bless!

Yours,

Stefan